Many caregivers struggle with feelings of guilt. This adds to the already challenging work they are doing day in and day out. Let’s learn how to say goodbye to caregiver guilt.
It’s hard to solve a problem we can’t identify, so let’s start by learning about what caregiver guilt is and why we experience it. We’ve all felt guilty at one time or another. Maybe it was because we truly did something wrong (like a kid who steals a candy bar) or we may experience the feeling of guilt when we misspeak and hurt someone’s feelings. Guilt has a place in our lives as a signal that our behavior or demeanor may need attention.
Caregiver guilt is different. It is a manifestation of unrealistic expectations (either ours or someone else’s) that cause us to feel like we are failing in our jobs, underperforming in our caregiving duties, or otherwise falling short in the arena of taking care of others.
If you find yourself struggling with feelings of caregiver guilt, I want to assure you that you are NOT ALONE. More than half of caregivers report struggling with this feeling at some time during their caregiving journeys. The good news is that while caregiver guilt is a normal experience, there are things we can do to diminish this unhealthy emotion and reclaim our peace.
Caregiver guilt does not have to be a life sentence. I talk to caregivers on a regular basis, and one of the things I hear most frequently is, “I feel guilty all the time.” That sounds like a heavy burden to carry, so let’s dive in and walk through 3 strategies you can use to combat caregiver guilt.
Some of us are all too familiar with the guilty feeling that comes from our inability to be perfect while for others this may be a new emotion. When we know intellectually that we are doing our best, but our heart still cries out that it isn’t enough, we can run into caregiver guilt. It’s important to acknowledge our feelings so we can process them in a healthy way. Ignoring troubling feelings is not going to make them go away.
Be honest with yourself and honest with God about these hard feelings. Ask Him to help you process these feelings that you are fighting against in an unwinnable exhausting daily battle. The Lord does not expect you to provide all things to all people, my friend. That’s His job.
Once we have identified our caregiver’s guilt and been honest with ourselves and with the Lord about it, we can make a renewed effort at effective self-care. I know from personal experience that self-care may be the last thing on your mind, but I also have suffered the consequences that come from ignoring my basic needs. Recognizing and acknowledging your emotions is the first step toward healing.
One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to open our Bibles. Seek His Word. Find Truth. What could be a better tool than the living Word of God? We have a Savior, Jesus, who came to us as both fully God and fully man. He has an intimate understanding of suffering and grief. He longs to take care of us, we need only let Him.
Romans 8:1-2 tells us,
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”
Jeremiah 32:17 gives us this reassurance,
“‘Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.”
Next time you find yourself feeling overwhelmed with guilt, remember these verses. Nothing is too hard for God, and there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If God Himself does not condemn you, why are you condemning yourself? He died so that you might live in freedom, not in the shadow of guilt.
When we recognize the reality of our situation and remember what God’s promises are, we should be moved to give ourselves grace and practice self-compassion. Our God is a merciful God. We seek to model His mercy to others, but as caregivers, we sometimes forget that we, too, are deserving of mercy.
Luke 6:36 says, “Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.”
We are often harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else, and it can feel unnatural to give ourselves mercy, but the Lord calls us to do just that. Have you been afraid that your best isn’t perfect or even good enough? Are your past mistakes holding you back? The truth is that without Christ, our efforts will never be enough, but with Him, we have no need to worry. No need to feel guilty about our best attempts at caregiving.
Let go of the drive for perfection – there is no winning in that game, and instead focus on serving others with love. You cannot fall short in the Lord’s eyes, so do not be afraid. He only sees His beloved child.
It’s common to struggle with feelings of guilt when faced with providing care for a loved one. Remember that you do not walk the road of caregiving alone – Jesus is with you every step of the way.
So now, go forward in the power of the Holy Spirit, caring for others with a servant’s heart. You have been entrusted with caring for one of God’s precious children. Caregiving is hard and holy, sacred and SEEN by your Heavenly Father. And that, my friend, is the truth.
Heavenly Father, we look to You to ground us in Truth. Help us, LORD, to remember that our emotions are a gift of our humanity, but we often need to address them and move forward in healing. Remind us that we are Yours. We are loved. We are Your precious children, and You have called us to live in the freedom paid for by Your Son’s death on the cross. Empower us to go forth in love, in the power of the Holy Spirit, loving others as you loved us.
Amen.
This article is the second in a series about saying yes to less this year. My friend, say yes to less guilt and live in the freedom that the Lord desires for you.
If you enjoyed this article, or if you are a caregiver of a dementia patient, you may also enjoy “Loving Through the Long Goodbye” which you can access here.